smile.for.me

I really can't believe midterms is already next week.  *whew*  Everyone's just trying to study and catch up on reading this and next week; it'll be one hectic week.  But really, once midterms hit, every week is hectic.  So, as of now on, I'm just trying to get my work done, do lots of studying, and lots more reading.  I really want to do well this quarter.  A lot of focusing!

I'm pretty much independent now, when referring to me and my roommate.  We mainly just main our own business unless we're going to eat meals; that's like the only time we actually talk.  Maybe it's because now that we see each other everyday, there really is nothing else to say.  Not trying to be mean, but she is getting pretty boring.  And I have to say, maybe I am too.  But I'm trying to make new friends, so it won't seem like she's the only friend I have, which is so not true because most of the people we talk to were first introduced by me.  I don't know but for some reason, she feels like she needs to be friends with my friends and sometimes, I don't want it to be like that because I need time away from her too.  Also, I need space and friends of my own because they way she's acting seems as if we have to do everything together, which is really annoying me.  But now, I'm keeping my space and distance; just sharing a room, that's all.

First week went by smoothly, I'd say.  This week, I'm hoping for it to go by quickly because I'm seriously getting homesick.  Blec.  Yes, I know.  I'm such a baby >_<.  But partly because I have my driving test this Friday and I'm sooo freaking nervous about it.  My first 2 tries and I failed so I really got to focus this time or else...I'm gonna go crazy.  It's not that I don't drive well, it's just that I'm too nervous when it comes to tests.  Even though I try to think that it's just my dad who's beside me, I can't because I KNOW that it's my examiner.  I really gotta overcome this phobia and get my license already.  *BIG SIGHS*

Hope everyone had a good holiday!  I know I did.  It was a good 3-week break away from school, minus the brother and sister-in-law issues.  But good thing is that they are moving out soon, therefore their problems will not be ours anymore.

New quarter, and it's starting out cold.  Raining today.  It's nice, since it hasn't rained in a while, just that it's just way too cold to be doing anything.  On cold and rainy days like this, I just want to be at home, with the fireplace burning, a nice warm blanket, sweet hot chocolate, and the tv running.  That's my ideal perfect winter day.  Two classes today.  They went by smoothly, 2 more to go tomorrow.  I'm really nervous about my English class, don't know why.  (Could be that because my major is English or because it's a small class of only 25 students or so).  Honestly, I prefer big lectures.  That way, it doesn't draw so much attention to me.  Serious, I know I shouldn't be feeling this but I do.  I feel like everyone's watching my every move and so everything I do, I always have to think and analyze it before I act (even if it's getting ice-cream after dinner).  I got to get over this phobia but I haven't in years...

So, I finally get my mind cleared out.  Not 100% cleared but like say, 40%.  It's finals this week and I guess that's probably why.  I need to loosen up a bit.  I feel like these past few weeks, I've been on my toes trying to hold this world up when gravity is pulling it downward.  But I feel more relaxed, now that I've got 1 final off my chest.  3 more to go, what a week >_<.  Weird how I always feel sleepy after showering O_o.  *yawns*

Ok, so today I'm going to rant (as always, me and my big mouth).

Maybe it's not in my right position to say this, or to even assume or make this observation, but it's been bugging me for a while now.  Ok, so I have this friend, who is also my roommate -- whom I've known for...maybe about 3 years and she's ok (my roommate that I'm always talking about me).  When we first met and became friends, we were closer; we shared practically everything together.  Now, I guess we know much more about each other than we did before (seeing that we live together and I'm forced to see her 24/7).  Sure, you guys all think living with your friends will be a joy, and don't get me wrong it is, but sometimes it's very difficult to get some privacy.  So, like...I'm always having to wait until she leaves or something (which never happens unless she's going to class).  And you guys can tell me to go elsewhere but why should I, when I paid for this room as much as she did??  It just doesn't make sense no matter how hard I try to figure it out.  Anyways, back to the point of my rant.

It never really occurred to me until a few days back when ( --> )

I know she's probably not that but I dunno.  It kinda bugs me and I just gotta say it.  *Whew*  Feels much better ^_^.  How do I know she's not like that??  Well, she likes this one guy band because of their looks and she's talked to me about her "ideal" boyfriend (although he does look feminine).  But as of now, I'm sure she's straight. ^_^  So I guess this rant was kinda pointless seeing that I made a point but disagree to it.

Ok, so today, I'm going to bitch-talk.  Bare with me as I get over this so-called-friend.  Now I understand how friendship is broken up so easily.  Serious, I don't even know we got along for so long.  And if she thinks I give a shit to what she has to say, I don't.  She can take her stupid faggot self somewhere, perhaps give it to some other guy because who knows.  She's dying to get herself a boyfriend, so why don't she just go and be slut.  Hold on.  She already is, without the body, without the looks, without the attitude.  She's a wanna-be-slut.  Pssh...that fuckin bitch!  Talking about me behind my back, saying shit about my attitude, well too bad for her.  I'm just going to finish this off and forget the shit about her forever.  I can't even stand looking at her, talking to her, being around her, and I want nothing to do with her, got it?  GOT IT!

Almost a year since I've been here.  Sorry.  But I plan on updating often now because I'm now in college.  Of course, that doesn't mean anything but just because...I want to? ^_^

Well, it's been almost 2 months since I've been here, in college that is.  (Of course I often go home for the weekends, seeing that it's only about 40 minutes away from home).  Now, college life is quite good.  I manage my own time, do whatever I want, and there's no one to stop me (except for a few complaints from my roommate).  But of course, that doesn't mean that I'm smoking or drinking or running around naked.  It's not like I wake up late anyways.  The latest...probably 9:30 - ish.  Talk about late >_<.  Yeah, I'm such an OG (old people).  Food at the Dining Commons is ok, but I often cook here (here as in my building, not room).  The DC food is good, but it's tiring after a while (when they have specifically the same thing over and over). 

Alot of high school mates I've known have changed.  Alot of things aren't just the same, including the recent presidential election and Prop 8.  Serious, this world we live in is changing every second, every breath we breathe and little do we stop and think about it.  But I gotta say, college life can really get you thinking (at least that's what it has done to me).  Maybe not exactly "thinking", but more like "observing" the world in which I live in.  It's as if, not a moment go by of me not looking at someone -- it's not like I'm stalking them or anything, just that I'm curious as to what they are going to do next.  Like today in LIN lecture, I see so many people that are also in my discussion class and weird how they all sat somewhere near me because I usually sit at the same seat every lecture.  I mean, don't you wonder as to why once you've seen that person you are likely to come across them again and again?  Weird how the world works...or even if it is the world that's causing this...is it?  The girl who sat in front of me today ate this strange thing -- looks like a moldy-bagel with some gray peanut butter without the peanut paste.  She ate it as if it's the best thing in the world, and weird thing is...she didn't even drink water after eating it, instead she drank before she ate. O_o?  Or this guy who sat next to her.  He got a haircut (he's apparently in my discussion) and he hides it by wearing a hat.  Strange how guys are like that.  Like, why did they cut their hair in the first place if they're just going to end up covering it with a hat?  But then again, maybe it's better to be wearing a hat.  Some guys (like this one guy on the bus I met once) had flakes all over his head.  Talk about G-rose (gross)!!! Stalker - like?  But certainly not (at least, I think it's not).  Sorry...?  

Until next time.

Well, it's been a while since I posted so here it goes.  Things have gotten better since the last time and my life right now is content.  Plus, its been raining for a week now and weather forecast shows its gonna be raining in the coming week too.

Last, Thursday me and my AP Bio class went to see the Body World's Museum in San Jose.  It was ok, not much to see or do except walk around and look (duh, it's a museum).  Although I enjoy looking at the embryos and babies. Very sad, to die so young.  Plus, I really am fascinated at Alzheimer's disease.

Finished with FAFSA and now, I'm focusing on scholarships.  I really wish to go to UOP but that is only if I get in and have the money to go because since it is a private school, it costs alot! More, than I have ever seen or held.

Just trying to finish off my last semester of High School.  I'm sure gonna miss high school but at the same time, glad to be entering college.  Entering the real world.  Take what I've learned and find my place and myself in the world and my purpose. Time to grow up and change, to work harder than before because money is everything, and give back to those who have nurtured me all these years.  But when I think about my future, I do get scared because I understand that once I'm out of high school, I'll have to grow up and think not only of myself but also everyone.

And with so much stuff ahead of me, I ignore the term "love".  Well, not exactly ignore but I try to avoid it because I know that my family needs my help and there's so much more that I want to do while I'm young.  Yet at the same time, I want to find that special someone who'll always be by my side and love me for who I am.  Overall, I want someone to love and them to love me back and one day have my own family.  Sure, I'm not those people who say it out loud but I too, look for love.  And it troubles and scares me that I'll never find someone or they'll never love me for who I am because they'll never look pass my image.  One thing, I'm not pretty or anything; just plain and pale.  Second, I'm not rich or anything; I have nothing to give but my heart and words, nothing more.

I live by poetry and words and I can give no more...

As I approach the age of 18 this August, I'm beginning to learn, see, and understand the world and people in which I live in.  Sure, this may sound like your typical teenage girl but it's reality; it's what teens go through everyday, and not just teens, but people in general.

Remember the term "Best Friends"?? Heh, what a strong term yet some people hold it as nothing. And I guess, now I'm beginning to see it in a whole new view too. If you asked me a year ago who my best friend was and I would have have said it with no need to consider.  If 4 months ago you asked me who my best friend was, I would have no trouble telling you.  Ask me now, and my reply would differ for I've seen and gone through such events that have made me so today.  And as I reflect on what I have done as a mistake and what I have learn, I begin to understand why certain poets and authors possess certain characteristics as they do.  And I find myself changing as I see these changes going on.

A best friend is known to be someone who understands you; someone who accepts you as you are and need nothing more from you.  That's the logical definition of a best friend; a companion.  I still believe in that definition but it's just that my view on best friends have changed because my so-called-best-friend have changed.  We no longer are best friends yet still friends, none-the-less.  But if I was hardcore mean, I wouldn't even consider her a friend by observing the way she acts towards me; a total selfish hypocrite.  I guess it's true that the longer you know a person, the more you know of them and how they talk and act.  And I guess it's true that in high school, you learn who you're true friends, for I have learned that lesson.

But I need advice.

( Read more... )

So...should I treat her the same way back??  Or should I just ignore her and go hang out with some other people??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

The day's been good. Woke up, presents, breakfast, work, home, family's night out, home, read, online. ^_^.  Well, it was pretty much good until...


So there you have it...I'm just so tired of these things happening again and again.

Again...Merry Christmas!!!

I'm so tired of work. The only thing that keeps me hanging on is money. Money money money. When people say money isn't everything, they were wrong. Money is everything. That is why you see millions of people working their hardest effort each day. And as I leave that child-teen life, I begin to realize and notice how hard being an adult is. Sure, I may only be 17 and that's still considered a teen.  But what I meant is that having a job somehow transforms and changes a person.  Well, it has to me.  It has made me take up more responsibilities knowing that I'm not working just to support myself, but my family as well.  And this is the very thought that lingers in my mind. In one year, I'll be off to college but between now and then, there's lots to ponder about.  The thing is...if I leave for college, it would somehow make me a coward because it'll seem as if I'm running away from my family's problems and struggles, that the reason for my departure is to forget about what I've left behind.  But at the same time, the real reason I'll be leaving is to further my education and hopefully bring back a Ph.D. for my parents. Than again, I can always go to school near home. But there's so much options and yet so little time. Just a few weeks back I was discussing this to my parents and my mom said to me "-----, I've raised you for 17 years and now that you've learned and grown you're going to leave me?" What was I suppose to say to that?? I told my friends and they said that my mom will have to let me go sooner or later and that I can always visit.  And I guess it's true but they'll never understand. They make it seem so simple but its not to me. They didn't see the way my mom looked, how her tears glistened and her tone carried such a morose breath.  How can I leave my mom when she's been the world to me?? The one to care for me when I grew sick, the one to listen to all my thoughts and problems, the one who have never forgotten me. Not that I don't respect my friends' comments, because I really do, but sometimes its difficult to make them understand.  Sure, they probably struggle with the same problem but they make it seem so simple and easy.  Plus, I don't have the kind of money to go to college.  Its not easy for me to just choose a college and go there.  Yeah, I'm going to apply for financial aid but who knows?? It's not going to cover all my expenses and my parents don't have money for me to go to college...

My point is...money is everything.

The wind changes direction and so does everything else in nature; the birds hurrying towards south for the winter, the leaves slowly changing their colors, the chipmunks gathering their necessities for the cold months to come, and so does the waves beginning to take a new shape and roaring in new directions.  The waves neither swallowed anyone nor engulfed the land.  It simply ignored the changing of the wind and flowed wherever it felt best.  It neither cried for the soothing summer to come back nor the humidity of air. 

And now, she sits and wonders if everything that has happened in the past was only meant to stay for a short while.  Or was it the nature of humankind to neglect and ignore those in their surroundings??  Whatever it is…she cares no more, not because she is weak, but because she is tired. She is tired of allowing her world to be weakened.  She is tired of being an ant who only knows how to follow.  And so now, she’s straying away from this world and taking one of her own; an unknown path.  And where this lead, she does not know.  All she takes with her is the feeling that as she walks deeper into this unknown path, she is walking into a world of her own, where only she exists.

"There are things that we never want to let go of,
people we never want to leave behind.
But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world,
it's the beginning of a new life."